For those who care...

Its, actually been solved now. I have apparently been driving around with lug nuts torqued to about 10ftlb or so.

Took it in to have the wheel locks cut off. I knew the front tires were cupping like crazy but just assumed that the horrible tires were the culprit. Nope. I've been pushing toed tires for the last 8000km.

Road noise greatly reduced, low speed tire scrub noise greatly reduced, and averaged 5.2l/100 on my drive home, a drive that normally turns in 6.5.

This, this is why I do my own ****ing maintenance. Also explains why the fuel economy has been erratic, I guess its depending on which way the tires decided to point.

Going in for new studs next weekend, and that's the last time the dealer sees my car.